In short: Glenn Jacobs, better known as WWE wrestler “Kane” wins the Republican primary in the Knox County, Tennessee mayoral race
In other words, Kane is one step closer to becoming an actual mayor of an actual county in an actual metropolitan area in the United States. Not a bad achievement for a guy who makes his living fake beating people up in a fake sport. The only thing that stands in the way of total victory now is the Democratic candidate in the general election in November.
Honestly, I didn’t think Kane was going to make it this far, because despite how ironically funny and cool it would be to see a professional wrestler ascend the ranks of government and take public office, cooler heads tend to prevail in the end, and the career politicians usually end up winning most of the time. But now that Kane has emerged victorious in the first critical step, I want to see nothing more than for Kane to go all the way and become MAYOR KANE, and send Knox County, Tennessee straight… to… HELLLLLLL.
Lest we forget Kane’s resume for becoming a mayor:
- Burned down his family home
- Set Jim Ross on fire
- Stuffed Paul Bearer into the sewer
- Pushed Paul Bearer off of a ladder
- Allegedly engaged in necrophilia
- Knocked up Lita
- Electrocuted Shane McMahon via battery to his testicles
- Attacking a wheelchair bound Zack Ryder
- Being forced to tag with X-Pac
Here’s the thing though – such a montage of Kane’s career worsts is ironically supposed to insinuate how unqualified a professional wrestler would be serving in government, but we live in a modern society where trust in government is so fractured, frail and basically non-existent that at this point, it’s hard to imagine that any career politician really would be better in public service than a professional wrestler would.
It’s sentiment like this that opens the door for the likes of Kane to actually win a primary and become a step closer to actually succeeding, and I’m sure there are people who look at his paltry 17 vote victory as a narrow victory, but it can also be interpreted that there are people who simply want a legitimate change that only taking a leap of faith like voting for Kane might actually accomplish.
All joking aside about Kane’s misadventures through professional wrestling, Glenn Jacobs is a man that is extremely well-liked in his profession, which is known to be quite prickly and filled with a lack of ethics. He commands the respect of his peers and superiors, and if he weren’t interested in local politics, or diversifying his own personal endeavors (him and his wife operate an insurance company in Tennessee), he’d have a career for life in the WWE, long past his wrestling days. And despite his murderous, pyromaniac in-ring persona, Kane has a reputation of being great with fans, as well as being charitable and well-intentioned in his elevated celebrity position.
He might do some silly shit in his wrestling career, but the people of Knox County, Tennessee need to ask themselves if another spineless stooge of a career politician would actually be a better choice to run the town than Kane would? Without question, Kane would hang up his boots and dive head-first into his mayoral career if elected, and I’m hard pressed to believe that he wouldn’t be terrible at it, and probably grow and develop into a respectable one with enough time.
And the comedic potential of MAYOR KANE would be immeasurable. Traffic a problem? Random INCINERATION at a major intersection on a sporadic basis to make the people think twice about if they want to spend too much time on the road. Crime getting a little out of hand? Shit, MAYOR KANE would be the closest thing to a real-life Mayor Mike Haggar the world will ever see, and he himself could personally go out and fight crime with chokeslams and Tombstone piledrivers.
Please people of Knox County, VOTE FOR KANE IN NOVEMBER! The world needs MAYOR KANE!
