It’s kind of appropriate that it sucks

When I caught wind that the WWE was going to unveil a brand-new United States Championship design, I had a moment of dread; if it looked baller, then I was undoubtedly going want to get a replica, no matter how many times in my life at this point I’ve said NO MOAR BLETS.

Plus, I’ve been very unhappy with the WWE Shop for having available replicas of just about every single championship belt design over the last 30 years, except for the one and only WWE-branded belt that I want: the NXT UK Tag Team Championship.  Seriously, they have shit like the yellow Intercontinental belt that the Ultimate Warrior wore like, twice, and the old European Championship which only existed for like 3-4 years, but they do not have the NXT UK Tag, which unlike the litany of “tribute” belts they seem to release on a weekly basis, is an active championship in the company right fucking now.

To hell if I was going to be wooed by a brand new US Championship belt before I could get the one and only belt that I really want*

*not entirely true, I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled for a Ring of Honor World or John Cena US spinner belts as well

But then Monday Night RAW came and aired, and because I don’t have cable television and don’t actually watch RAW anymore, I had to wait and see when the pictures broke on Twitter, and unlike the NXT UK Tag, the WWE Shop was more than ready to push the new shit available online like a software hotfix.

And the verdict is . . . it sucks.  Whew!

I absolutely hate the new design.  The eagle is too gaudy, the flag is too wavy, and there’s not nearly enough blue in the overall palette to make it remotely seem very red, white, black leather, bling, bling, bling, oh yeah blue.  The word CHAMPION on it is flagrantly large, and seems very redundant, because there’s no belts for #1 contenders or Going To Wrestlemania, and it’s obvious that anyone holding a championship belt is a fucking champion, and we don’t need to have it in giant fucking huge letter across the upper half of it to remind viewers at home that the jobber holding it is in fact a champion.

Much like the redesigned Intercontinental Championship, the WWE falls flat at honoring these titles, and for the sake of my wallet, I’m relieved that both look so shitty, because I most definitely have no desire to drop $300+ for either of them, even if they were to go on sale during a ppv event.

But it’s almost kind apropos that the United States Championship is shitty, because quite frankly the United States itself is pretty shitty right now.  Oh shit, had to work in a political commentary on that burn.  But I won’t go any further than that, and leave it at that I’m massively relieved that the new design sucks, because I most certainly won’t be purchasing a replica of this at all.

However, it is sad though, because I’ve always had a fondness for United States championships, in general.  To the point where I’ve got replicas of WCW’s old US championship, the version that the WWE released in 2014 that I originally was lukewarm on, but when it went on sale during a ppv, I pulled the trigger, and I even got an IWGP United States Championship replica that I’m 100% is a Pakistani knockoff, but it wasn’t that super expensive, and NJPW doesn’t make replicas in the first place.

In fact, the WCW US championship was actually the very first replica belt that I ever got, and started the whole journey down the expensive and deep rabbit hole of belt collecting.  And it’s ironic that a Japanese company has a better belt design for their US championship than the company that’s actually based in the United States.

Either way, fail on the WWE for releasing yet another shitty belt design.  I’ll never be happy with them again until they release the NXT UK Tag Team replicas, and maybe then, and after then, will be NO MOAR BLETS.