It’s that time of the year in which I begin to look back on a year as a whole, and determine whether or not it was a “bad year” or just another year. Not to sound too pessimistic and nihilistic than I already to and serve as just a reminder, but the idea and fantasy of “good years” seems a bit outlandish and not really within the realms of reality, at least when you look at the type of person I am and the state of the world currently.
So when I try and reflect on 2024 as a whole, I don’t have much good to say about it. Frankly, with a few exceptions and caveats to coming unsurprisingly overarching blanket statement, 2024 was not a particularly great year. Other than the obvious results of the presidential election and the inane bullshit that led up to it, there weren’t any epic catastrophes that I was really aware of, but the rest of the year just felt like a death by a thousand cuts kind of year, where there was just way more negative bullshit that nicked and jabbed all year long to lead to where I’m feeling beaten and exasperated with life and the state of existence now at the end of it, than had there been a lot less.
The thing is, above all else, I’ve been pondering on whether this was just a down year, or rather just symptoms of being in my 40s, where it seems like the difficulty of life jumped exponentially, from where it was in my 20s and 30s. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think to myself, when did life become so difficult to where it feels like every single task in every single day begins to feel like pulling teeth?
I have this conversation occasionally with my sister and some of my similar-aged friends, but I’m curious to whether or not this is just a rough patch in all our lives collectively, or if this is something of a rite of passage for all people who hit their 40s, and things just start taking a turn for the worst more often than not.
Being in your 40s means everyone’s parents are now well into their twilight years, and in the landscapes of our lives, death’s presence grows and occupies a larger space than in our younger years. I think about if every generation goes through this, which they most undoubtedly do, however, the generations of now and tomorrow live in a way more connected world where information is immediate and accessible, so the news, usually bad news, travels quicker, and it’s way easier now to be exposed and be aware of it all, more than it’s ever been in generations past.
If it’s not everyone’s parents creeping up towards the end of life, it’s our peers, friends, acquaintances, names and personalities that occupy similar crews, groups, circles, and just people in general that are dealing with ailments and issues that begin to crop up more frequently than ever, once people hit this middle-of-life stage. Cancer, cancer scares, tumors, growths, physical deterioration, mental deterioration, A and B, B and C, all of the above; this year more than others, I’ve personally witnessed more of these categories here and the paragraph above than I ever have in a single calendar year, and it’s hard to disambiguate whether or not it’s just a rough year, or just life in our 40s.
As someone with tremendous empathy for others, probably almost to a detriment to my own well-being, the shit that affects others, impacts me a ton, and as much as I’d like to harden my heart and shrink my world even smaller than it already currently exists, and try to no-sell everything, it’s easier said than done. When I see the people in my immediate little world going through tough times, they often bring me with them, whether or not they want or I want.
As for myself, the year has been challenging from top to bottom because of a myriad of issues, many of which seem to just be a continuous carry-over from the years prior:
- I’m broke as a joke
- My finances versus my expenses are getting worse
- Debts are climbing
- I have no time
- Not like anyone respects it if I ever have any
- My hobbies are almost all gone
- My house is a disaster zone
- And I have nowhere to escape to because I have no personal space ever
- I feel like I do more than everyone else in my life
- Which makes me feel like if I don’t do it, nobody will
- I can’t seem to get myself to a state of existence that satisfies my own core values and ambitions
- Which perpetuates this seemingly unbreakable cycle that gets heavier and heavier with every rotation
And then on top of that, are my own personal experiences dealing with some of the aforementioned things, like health scares, fucking cancer showing up in the lives of people I care about, and the emergence of dealing with the mortality of my own parents and other family members.
Recency bias also dictates that I hit a deer with my car and had to file an insurance claim for the first time since I was like, 16, which really sucked and was unexpected. I had a vasectomy a few weeks ago, which was planned, but the ensuing emotional conflict as well as the aggravation of physical discomfort was not something I had counted on occurring.
Work has becoming an escalating stressor as the year progressed, and as the bullshit has increased, my rose-colored glasses have dimmed more and more, and I’ve begun to really understand and acknowledge why my company has a pretty high employee turnover rate. Previously, I’ve always had this kind of toxic, “well it’s not as bad as my previous job situation” where I was under a thunder-cunt who really had it out for me, but just because my current bullshit wasn’t as nuclear as my prior bullshit doesn’t make any bullshit less, nor should be entirely acceptable, just because of comparison’s sake. Let’s just say that I’ve been opening my LinkedIn digests and alerts more now, than I did when I was in a less tumultuous workspace.
Although I’m not going to argue that as a whole, 2024 was pretty rough, it wasn’t without its bright spots. The cruise that mythical wife and I took in the summertime with Virgin was pretty incredible, and genuinely felt like a real vacation, as short as it was. For a brief few days, I got to sleep in, eat great food, workout and read books and actually relax, and see a little bit of new shit in Key West and Bimini, and if there’s anyone who could be a poster boy for the importance of self-care, it’s me.
And then there are my beautiful, perfect children; as much as they can aggravate the piss out of me at times, and parenting sometimes feels endless, thankless and the primary source of a lot of my angst, my kids are the reason I will always work, be more mindful of my own health and what gets me up in the morning every day.
I still stop and just watch my kids when we’re together, and there’s rarely time where I can’t believe that they’re already four and three years old already. I still remember when they were tiny little nuggets of humanity that always had to be held and carried and fed and changed, and now I’ve got two little mobile monsters that destroy the house on a daily basis and don’t listen to the things their parents say and cause mischief and mayhem.
But they’re both becoming little artists, and I’m floored when #1 can write her own name, draw pictures from memory, and seeing #2 go from scribbling lines on a sheet of paper to where she can now stay within the lines of a coloring book way better than I could at the age of three.
As much as I imply parenting to be hard and tiring, my kids bring me more joy and happiness in the grander spectrum, and as much as this year-end reflection might read like a giant box of despair, dejection and depression, my girls always have the power to blast it away with brightness at a moment’s notice. They are better kids than I am a father, and it’s the pursuit of closing that gap that is one of the few things left that give me any drive.
So regardless of whether 2024 was a bad year or this is just another year of being in my 40s, good riddance all the same to the year. Not that I anticipate 2025 will really be any better given some of the circumstances swirling around now that are undoubtedly going to carry over, I can still have hopes and dreams that things will turn upward sooner rather than later. Come on now, I’m not that much of a dead heart to where I can’t still have that.
