I’m having a moment right now, where I’m all sorts of sad, disappointed, feeling hurt, bitter and resentful all at the same time.
Normally, I try to put in more effort than I do with my children, but I’m just not feeling it right now, so I’m letting them watch television while I get this word vomit off my mind while the feelings are fresh and raw and as probably genuine as they’ll ever be. But the wife and even the au pair are out at dinner with friends that I don’t know who’s doing the gatekeeping to where I’m not even considered for invitation, but the point is that I’m the one holding down the fort while everyone else gets to live some semblance of an adult, non-parenting life for a few hours.
No matter. The love from my children is really the only thing that truly matters to me, and even as much as they drive me up the wall sometimes, at this stage of life, I’d rather be with them anyway above everyone else, as opposed to be the pity-fuck fill-in friend or invitee at some gathering where I’m going to end up spending a shitload of money that I don’t really have to burn.
However, this is a topic and scenario that bubbles up often, but normally I suppress it, or prioritize some other topic in my perpetual backlog of things that I want to write about, but this time is just hitting at just the right time and circumstances where fuck it, let it fly.
As the subject of this post states, what is it about me that makes me so unworthy of the respect of others? From my own wife, my friends, and even my family, where I feel like I exist solely as someone for when someone needs something, and whenever I want to call anyone just to chat and catch up, nobody picks up their phones, and even when they do, it’s abundantly clear that they’re doing something else and I don’t have anyone’s primary attention.
I’m at a point where it feels like I have to be the initiator with everyone in my life, but nobody else can possibly be bothered to initiate anything with me, at all. I liken such a reality to not having the respect of anyone to where such is the case, and I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life to where it’s so easy for everyone in my world to not respect me, or the things I do with my life and the choices I make.
Not long ago, thanks to The Algorithm, I’d seen content out there that pretty succinctly identifies my position in the world, that of being a fill-in friend, or a floater friend, someone that has no quarrel, beef or issues with any other people, someone who is capable of making a social situation or party or gathering better, but at the same time, viewed as someone wholly expendable, not necessary, and only worthy of invitation or inclusion when there’s usually a need or a quota.
The thing is, I feel as if I’m a fill-in floater for not just my friends, but my own household and my own family. For whatever reason, I don’t seem to have to seem the respect of anyone in my household or my immediate family, and nothing I do, no matter how altruistic or others-first I approach things seems to change things.
I try to do good things, I try to make the right choices. I follow the rules, and treat people how I want to be treated, which is respectfully and consideration, but it’s getting to the point where it almost never, feels reciprocal.
And right now, I’m fucking over it. I’m tired of the disrespect, I’m tired of being taken granted for, I’m tired of feeling last in line by everyone in my life who matters the most. I know that I try to be a resilient human being, and try to think everything through and give the most benefit of doubt. But I do have my limits as well, and I’m just so tired of the sheer lack of reciprocal consideration from everyone around me right now, and I don’t know what I have to do in order for things to change, short of calling the fuck out of everyone and start making demands.
