Fuller House, first impressions

I’ve stated in the past that I didn’t really have high hopes for it, but what can I say, I’m a sucker for nostalgia, not to mention it’s a great way to passively sabotage mythical girlfriend’s Netflix queue with the garbage that I decide to watch in lieu of creating my own account locally.

But I’m three episodes into Fuller House, and here are some of my knee-jerk reactions:

  • Dear god almighty did Stephanie Tanner get some fake tits
  • DJ Tanner looks better now than she ever did back in the show’s original run
  • Kimmy Gibbler has barely aged
  • Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky have barely aged as well, and honestly I’d take Aunt Becky over any of the other girls on the show, even now
  • Amusing for the show to immediately address the Olsen twins elephant in the room within the show’s first two minutes

Aside from the superficial blowing the dust off of the show, it doesn’t take long for the show itself to basically, go into a modernization of the show’s original format.  Cleverly done, was the fairly seamless manner of tying up loose ends and giving actual justification to why the old guard were all basically moving to Los Angeles, while the new guard stays put in San Francisco.

But the roles are pretty quickly defined, as DJ is the new Danny Tanner, as in the straight one, the moral rock of the show, and mom not just to all the kids of the household, but to her compatriots as well.  Stephanie and her huge fake tits are the new Uncle Jesse, as the person who is remotely cool, but who decides to put her fame and notoriety aside for the sake of being a good family member, and moves back into the Tanner home.  And Kimmy Gibbler is basically the new Joey, as the non-relative that lives in the house, albeit with her own daughter, who acts as the foil to DJ’s own sons.

So far, the show is nothing really groundbreaking, but still I think does a pretty good job of encapsulating the morals of the original show, with a modern twist, that almost seem artificially inserted into the show, like references to social media, taking selfies and how everyone has an iPhone.

But three episodes in, and every single one has been somewhat reinforced by a cameo(s) of a former cast member, with the whole crew being in episode 1, Uncle Jesse showing up in episode 2, and Joey showing up in episode 3.  For the show’s sake, hopefully this is not the norm, as the leading ladies are going to need some substantial room to spread their wings without relying too much on nostalgia to keep viewers entertained.

Although, I’m not going to complain if there’s more Aunt Becky, but that’s got to suck for the other women who have not aged nearly as gracefully as Lori Laughlin has.

Anyway, because I’m a nerd, I’m likely going to watch through the rest of the series.  Who knows if I’ll bother talking about it again, but at least for the time being, I can acknowledge my acknowledgement of the show’s existence, and that for better or worse, I’m watching it.

Of course Korean Jesus is superior

As if there could possibly be any doubt.

In case you’re an infidel, this picture of a statue of Jesus Christ out of Korea emerged on the internet this week, and at least to me, it wasn’t really that much of a revelation that it was not just jacked, but more like JAKKED.

I mean really now, Korea is a great and powerful almighty nation, it’s no surprise that the Christians in the country can only worship and pray to only someone as equally, if not greater than the Korean people, so Jesus looking like he’s one blue orb away from transforming into an Altered Beast doesn’t seem at all that shocking.

It’s also a great sign of respect towards the religion.  It really puts into perspective how other countries portray their inferior Jesuses, like how the vast majority of the modern world has Jesus of Nazareth looking like he’s more like Jesus of St. Louis, as in the fact that he’s very much an anglo-looking man from a country where most every male looks like Sayid from Lost.  And then we have people from Mexico who really, really like their portrayals of Jesus looking like he’s been beaten to death, drug out of his tomb and beaten some more, as if they knew he was going to resurrect and the Romans tried to get the preemptive strike on his corpse.

But Koreans?  They clearly envision Jesus as this hulking mammoth of a man, who justly appears to embody what “a savior” should look like.  A man who looks like he can take on the Roman empire and make them flee from battle by himself.  A man who looks at a cross, and doesn’t think of crucifixion not so much as it’s something that can be used to practice good form on squats and deadlift.  A man that looks like he’s running Game Genie invincibility, and has to use the manual turn off effects switch so that Pontius Pilate could get him up on the cross and he could actually die for humanity’s sins.  A man that looks like death is but a mere speed bump in destiny, and that resurrection should probably be expected.

Portrayal like this is only a symbol of utmost respect, and shocker of the century, it comes from a country only as progressive and forward-thinking like Korea.  It goes without saying that not only can Korean Jesus best any other country’s Jesus (especially Japanese Jesus), he could without any question, obliterate them.  I’m talking about squash match magnitude of like Warrior vs. Honky Tonk.  Except Korean Jesus would probably require about a third of the time to squash any other Jesuses out there.

Irony is

Slapping a Confederate stars & bars sticker on your Japanese Acura CL family sedan.

bahahaha.

I saw this while I was coming home from work.  I was expecting to have a fairly unpleasant slog through a route of traffic that I knew that I would be facing regularly from now on, but I have to admit that seeing this amusing unity of conflicting automotive elements made the drive a little more tolerable, as I found myself laughing over this several times over throughout the crawl.

I couldn’t help but wonder if the driver was aware of the irony that he had a Japanese car, and put a symbol of, basically racism on it, or if the driver was just stupid, and didn’t realize that the car he was driving in and had his stars & bars on, was manufactured by some chink company.

A part of me thinks that it’s the former, and that the driver is somewhat aware of the irony, based on the fact that, aside from the Acura emblem, the car is devoid of the “Acura” nameplate that sits on the left side of the trunk, and the “CL” model marker that sits on the right.  The emblem itself is salvaged, probably because the guy doesn’t want the two ugly holes that would be visible in its absence which would then make his car look ghetto.

Either way, nothing says ironic like flying your stars & bars on an import car.  I hope some real rednecks give this guy some shit about it, but that would also require rednecks to be smart enough to understand the difference between domestic and import manufacturers in the first place.   But it isn’t a pickup truck, so that might be the difference maker.

To think I drank this stuff

It started off with noticing that my refrigerator door was slightly more difficult to open.  It was sticking more than a refrigerator door should stick, and whenever I succeeded in opening it, there was always a slight peeling sound, like pulling tape off of a surface.

Eventually, I ran my finger along the sealing lining of the refrigerator door, and noticed that it was a little tacky, the type that’s reminiscent of a sugary, syrupy drink spilled, and left to dry kind of way.  I didn’t think much of it, and wiped off the residue, and my fridge’s door began behaving like normal.  I figured it was probably 10 years of existing that caused some sort of buildup to develop to where it eventually grew a little sticky, leading to the added effort to open the door.

Nope, it turns out that one of the original recipe Four Lokos I bought back in 2010, nearly six years ago, that sat on the top of my refrigerator, spontaneously exploded at some point, causing a sticky film to have sprayed onto surrounding bottles and cans, and an ever so slight amount to seep into the lining of the refrigerator door, which is now the obvious cause for the sticky door in the first place.

But let’s get back to this scary revelation, that a six-year old can of nuclear murder fuel, sat stationery for over half a decade, and then just spontaneously blew its top.  Like, quite literally, the top of the can was popped, with such force that it was wrenched back completely backwards in the process.

I mean, it was no secret that Four Loko was basically the devil’s piss, put into aggressively designed cans, and meant for college kids and retards like me to get obliterated for less than $3 dollars.  But at least that was the kind of carnage that we controlled ourselves, acquiring and consuming Four Loko on our own volition.

Not for them to sit in a stationery position for six years, but then still manage to spontaneously explode and cause carnage on its own.

Not going to lie, this is all an amusing story to me, but at the same time I was snapped back to reality when I was reminded that I drank a good bit of this spontaneously explosive concoction in my own stupid right in another stupid time.  God this was the stuff of probably the pinnacle of any sort of alcoholism I’ve ever had, and nothing, nothing ever wrecked me like this shit could.

THE PRODIGAL SON HAS RETURNED

JEFF FRANCOEUR HAS RETURNED TO THE BRAVES.

I know I’ve said a ton of mean things about Jeff Francoeur in my lifetime.  But I’ve also been very candid about how repentant I’ve felt for having said mean things about Jeff Francoeur.

All nerdy stupid baseball statistician number munching aside, Jeff Francoeur is a beautiful human being who embodies everything that’s right about baseball, and more important than being able to occasionally hit baseballs long distances, he gets it better than most, on how to treat other human beings.

Honestly, I know the Braves received a massive haul of prospects, and got Dansby Swanson from the Diamondbacks to hopefully anoint the future face of the franchise that hails from the Metro Atlanta suburbs, but frankly none of those moves or news announcements have lit a fire under my cold-dead baseball beating heart like the announcement of Jeff Francoeur coming home, signing with the Braves on a minor league deal.

It’s funny, because Swanson might be the future of the franchise, but the arrival of Francoeur is basically a template of a worse-case scenario of what his career could turn into, because just a decade ago, Francoeur was, basically what the Braves hope Swanson will become; a local Metro Atlanta product to become the face of the franchise, hit home runs, kiss babies, and always say the right thing in post-game interviews, all while leading the Braves to the peak of the mountain.

But as far as I’m concerned, who cares about Dansby Swanson, I’m excited for Jeff Francoeur.  Like, serious excited.  A minor league deal doesn’t guarantee him a spot on the major league roster, but considering just how terrible the Atlanta Braves are slated to be in 2016, I’m really hoping that when I head to Turner Field on opening day, that Jeff Francoeur is on the roster.  I’d love to see him hit a homer for old time’s sake, and maybe for new time’s sake, when the Braves are getting slaughtered by 15 runs in a game sometime this year, Braves fans will get to see him pitch while wearing a Braves uni.