Tag: kids

2 Under 2: I have already become my mother (#057)

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

All through my life, my mom would accidentally call me by my sister’s name, before correcting herself and addressing me by my name.  There were younger points in my life where I would let that piss me off, but eventually it more or less because everyday occurrences, and I stopped really noticing them beyond hearing them when they happened.

It didn’t even take a full 24 hours to pass before I had already called #2 by #1’s name.  It happened more frequently in the AM hours where we were struggling to get any sleep we could.  But by day two of #2’s life, I had already slipped up numerous times, and even the times where I stopped myself from making the mistake, if there was ever any hesitation in my flow of speech, mythical wife would pick it out and know that I was on the verge of using the wrong name again.

Therefore, I have become my mother in this regard, and I can only hope that as their lives progress, they can forgive their dad for being just like halmoni, and roll with the slights as well as I eventually learned how to do as I got older.

2 Under 2: It’s all worth it (#056)

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

I know it might seem like a lot of the things I’ve written since the arrival of #2 might seem a dour and with a negative lean.  Sleep deprivation, temperamental screaming babies, having almost zero time to decompress and catch my breath, yes there’s no denying the tremendous amount of work and effort that goes into raising kids, especially under these specific circumstances of having two under two.

I’ll be the first to admit, as much as I might regret or feel ashamed of it, of how often I’ve lost my cool, get frustrated, and generally get fried, because I’m human and this is reality of just how hard things can be.

But then there are moments like this specific photograph, of where my oldest is giving my youngest a gentle kiss, after knowing her new sister for all of five days, and all my anxieties, stress and negativity washes away like beads of water off a waxed surface.

One of the biggest concerns mythical wife and I had about having a second child, especially so soon after the first, was the potential for jealousy and the resulting behavior from the first.  We can talk about plans and ideas all we want to try and help mitigate things, but we wouldn’t really know what was going to happen until the day came where we introduced the kids to one another.

And much as my first has often times met or exceeded my expectations, she appears to have welcomed and accepted her little sister with no complaints or objections.  If anything at all, it’s mostly fascination and curiosity at her smaller doppelganger, but no real signs of aggression or animosity, yet.

The above sight was something that instantaneously melted my heart and took my emotions to a place that is seldom seen, which is how I know it’s genuine and perfect, and that in the end, no matter how much stress, hardships and bullshit I might go through or think I’m going through as a parent, this is all worth it.

May my daughters accept each other as not just sisters, but as the lifelong tag team partners I hope they will become, with the blets to prove it.

2 Under 2: You know nothing, Jon Snow (#054)

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

When it was revealed that I would be having a second child just 16 months after my first child, I tried to mentally prepare myself to treat everything as one, really really long child raising experience, and to not get too complacent in the time between children, so that I wouldn’t be blindsided by when everything inevitably goes tits up once the #2 arrives.

Yeah, telling myself all this stuff for nine months is easy, but trying to not let it affect life in general is a completely different ballgame.  Needless to say, no matter how much I tried to mentally prepare myself, few things can really physically prepare you for the rigors of newborn babies, even more so when you’ve there’s additionally a toddler that commands a tremendous amount of time, energy and attention on top of it.

I wanted to believe that mythical wife and I were better prepared as second-time parents, but we’ve learned that there are already many circumstances that are different now that have completely de-pantsed us, and rendered us as helpless and defeated as brand new parents probably feel, no matter how much advice they get, books they read, or any other means of preparation they embark on.

Mainly, the difference between #2 and #1 is the full-term versus a premature birth, and the fact that there was no NICU stay needed for #2, and we were really able to start being parents from day 1, unlike the first time, where we basically had to relinquish care of our child for 15 days, while she strengthened in intensive care.

So, in spite of all the pep-talks, preparation and thinking we’d be ready, mythical wife and I found ourselves mostly unprepared and not ready, to deal with a newborn child from day 1 and not day 15.  Not to mention that no two babies are ever going to be alike, and the disposition and behavior of #2 is vastly different than #1, leading to some challenges and inevitable comparisons, no matter how much parents say they try not to make.

Mainly, I feel like the thing that we were the least prepared for was dealing with a starving newborn because mom’s milk hadn’t come in yet, and we were left struggling with a baby that was probably not getting enough to eat early on, compounded with hospital procedure that doesn’t seem to feed mothers nearly enough food to have the fuel necessary to feed their babies, which resulted in an extremely fussy and endlessly crying baby at all hours of the night, leading mythical wife and I to end up completely burned out and fried from day one.

Obviously, this is all be written in hindsight, as I’m taking my sparing opportunities to write actually writing, and things have improved nominally since then, but it’s worth documenting the struggles and emotions that occurred at the hospital, and the feelings and opinions that formulated from the experience.  That is, after all what my brog is all about, in spite of how wonky of a writing timeline things can get.

However, this isn’t to say that we were completely useless and didn’t learn a thing or two from our own experience as parents before.  Where we really seemed to shine was being prepared for the at-hospital experience itself; as in knowing what to ask for as soon as we got to our room, as well as preparing ourselves with lots of snacks and supplemental food, because in spite of the common sense that moms need to eat in order to have fuel to feed their babies with, the hospital treats them like patience from My 600 Lb. Life, giving them very strict and limited calorie meals three times a day at sporadic intervals.  Our child was already not getting enough to eat from the onset, but probably would’ve famished to death if we didn’t know what we knew going into it this time.

And one other of the few unsolicited pieces of advice that I’d give to any dad or parents for that matter: no matter if you think your parenting problems are unique and can’t possibly have been experienced by another parents – I bet you money they have, as long as you Google your issues.  You will find other parents who have experienced what you’re going through, and you’d be a fool to not leverage their experiences to try and quell your own anxieties.

2 Under 2: Paternal Postpartum? (#053)

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

After a few days of feeling foggy and lost, both physically and emotionally, primarily on account of sleep deprivation, a question popped into my head: is there such a thing as postpartum depression for dads?

A cursory Google search says that yes, there very much is such a thing as postpartum depression for dads, and that it supposedly affects one in ten dads; it figures that a headcase like me naturally ends up lumped into that 10% chance of developing postpartum symptoms, but from what I was reading in the aforementioned link, I don’t think what I’m going through is entirely the same thing as the “classic” symptoms.  But I am definitely in this hazy, foggy mood, and I think I should be happier, so it’s really up to interpretation on whether or not this is postpartum, or just me being who I am, perpetually concerned or contemplative on whatever I’m doing being a good decision or not, even at the potential expense of the present.

So I don’t really think I’m going through “classic” postpartum, but my mood is definitely probably not at happy as it should be following the birth of a child.  I feel like, if I could pinpoint it as best as I could, which is a little bit easier considering I’m writing this after the initial period in which I went through this the most, is that I think that at the very root of things, I’m just struggling to find my identity as a dad of two children and not one, balancing the guilt of having to divide my time, and of course, the feelings of inadequacy as well as simply feeling overwhelmed with what life is going to be from here on out.

But the thing is, I like to tell myself that I didn’t feel inadequate or overwhelmed from time to time, it would reflect on my quality as a dad, because it would mean that I didn’t give enough shits about my family to where I’d feel so owned and defeated so frequently, because I just don’t want to ever let them down.  At the end of the day, my goals are to be a good dad and a husband and not let my family down, and I care enough to let those motivations dictate my emotions if I ever feel concerned that I’m not meeting expectation.

At the end of the day, much like my first time around, things will ultimately settle, calm down, routines materialize, #2 will age out of some of the more challenging behaviors, and life will get easier, and emotions like postpartum will dissipate.  As mythical wife and I have often said, now that we’ve had our agreed-upon second and final child, things can only get easier from here on out, as far as raising babies goes.  Now infants, toddlers, terrible twos, and so forth are different stories, but at least by then, hopefully our girls will know how to wipe their own asses by then.

2 Under 2: I’m not dead (yet) (#052)

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

This is the first time I’ve had the availability to any sort of writing since the birth of #2, and it’s solely based on the fact that I’m back to work, sequestered in my office, and where my kids are being cared for by mythical wife and our nanny.  In the downtime between periodic work emails where things are on fire, and the lulls throughout the day, I’m finding myself actually capable of finding a little bit of time to write something, and now that I do, I don’t even know where to start.

Over the last three weeks, I’ve jotted down notes and blurbs of things that I’d like to touch on, but never having the time and capacity to do so, they’ve just been amassing in a draft document and I’m debating on whether or not it’s worth trying to revisit some things but I think we all know that I probably will because I have a hard time letting go of things and ideas that were thought of, going unused.  Including the topic of having no time itself on account of welcoming a second child into the world.  We’ll see how my writing habits become in coming weeks and months, because as I’ve stated countless times, my brog is basically my lifeblood of hobbies, and no matter the circumstances it’s something I’ll never let go of.

Also over the last three weeks, I’ve gone through the a vast gamut of emotions, I’m sure that’s a surprise.  Sleep deprivation has a tendency to alter mood and emotions like that, and regardless of knowing why and reminding myself to exhibit patience, it’s still been very challenging at times to not just feel fried and angry and frustrated with things, which then leads to guilt, inadequacies and an overall shitty feeling, but three weeks in now, I think we’re kind of, hopefully, finding some modicum of rhythm, and once #2’s sleep cycles start to stabilize, or at least she manages to chain at least one sleep cycle to another, then mythical wife and I might gain some free time, which in turns would mean gaining a little bit of sanity back.

Either way, this post serves really no other purpose than to break the streak of brog silence that would ordinarily have me losing my shit to have let a week, much less three, go by without any sort of post.  Having kids seems like as justifiable reason as any to warrant it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I tend to get angsty when I don’t write for too long, which didn’t help feed the more negative emotions that have crept into my head over the last few weeks.

In a perfect more ideal world, I’ll comb through my notes and topics and try and write out some coherent and tangible stories and posts about the journeys of a second-time father and a dad of two under two years old, as well as catch up some of the other few topics that piqued my interest over the span and try to play some catch-up.

The day(s) that everything changed forever, part 2

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Started on July 14, 2021

I figured I should start this post on the day before, because mythical wife’s hospital check-in time is at like 7:15 am, and even if we have to wait three hours again like we did last time, it stands to believe that the day that everything changed forever, part 2, will have culminated before lunchtime, and I won’t really have that much to have glossed over for an emotional post.

So unlike the first time, we are not going to be taken by surprise by a premature birth, quite the opposite, we’ve been ticking down the days with bated breath to a predetermined birthday that we’ve been watching coming for several weeks now.  Despite all the preparation and bracing, it’s still mind-blowing to wrap my brain around the thought that in less than twelve hours, mythical wife and I will be welcoming a new human being into the world.

I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re given a few hours to prepare for it, or 38 entire weeks, after experiencing both ends of the spectrum, I’m led to believe that it doesn’t matter at all, the feeling of overwhelming there is at the thought of bringing a new person into existence.

As detailed in my prior post, most of the day was spent mentally waxing poetic about how every single thing I did with my first daughter throughout the day was the last time I’d be doing it as a father of one, and the varying feelings of guilt at the thought that my attention will have to be divided between two instead of just her.  The other part of the day was spent preparing myself to be taking two weeks off of work, so that I can transition my new child into the world, and for mythical wife and I to try and figure out how to adapt to a life of two children and probably go through a wide gamut of emotions in the process.

I’m quite paranoid that the send later function in Outlook is going to bone me, and I’m going to look like an asshole caught red-handed sending scheduled emails for my spontaneous trip to the hospital, so that I can chalk it up as personal/sick days instead of burning up days out of my more-finite vacation bucket.  But they’ve already been queued and I have to have faith that they’ll send on time and nobody will be the wiser.

As it is a Wednesday, it means that mythical wife and I pick up Chick Fil-A and watch Handmaid’s Tale, but since the season is over, we’ve been watching Loki, and we both feel very fortunate that tonight was the season finale, since the reality is that who knows when we’ll actually get to watch television on a schedule anymore in the future now that we’re soon to have two children.

Continue reading “The day(s) that everything changed forever, part 2” →

2 Under 2: the Last Times (#051)

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

I’m sure this won’t be a shock to any of my zero readers, but as excited I am for the impending arrival of my second child, I’m also extremely emotional and often suppressing feelings of guilt towards my first, bringing in a second so soon, and while she’s still in a stage of her life where the world is her oyster and should really have the undivided attention that many children at her age really should be getting.

Everything I’m doing, I’m realizing is counting down to the last times in which I’ll be doing all sorts of mundane things – as a father of one.  The last time bathing my daughter, putting her down to bed.  The last day in which I’ll be logging her feed times and nap minutes.  Picking up her toys and resetting all of her play area books and blocks.  Washing and then preparing the next day’s bottles that are hers and hers alone.  The next time I go to bed, and awaken the next morning, I won’t even be there to wake her up, since mythical wife will be required to be at the hospital very early. 

I can’t guarantee I won’t be fighting a tidal wave of emotion before bedtime next.  Because once I’m a father of two, who knows how long or if things like these will ever get back to a similar point, or what’s really going to happen in the future.

Although I am supremely confident in mine, and mythical wife’s capacity to love our children, and that everything will be just fine in the end, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still harboring all these feelings in the days leading up to the big arrival.

A little over a year ago, #1 showed up at 34.5 weeks, definitely, unexpectedly early, and most certainly classifying as a premature arrival.  This caught me, mythical wife, and all concerned parties completely off-guard, and if not for our own preparations, would have been in a really tricky situation after it had happened.  Even still though, it did lead to some scrambling, and as much as we look at the 15 days of her in the NICU with some angst despite knowing it was the best place for her to strengthen and start her life, it did afford me some time to truly get the house ready, seeing as how she didn’t actually get to come home for over two weeks.

That’s hardly the case, this time.  #1 showed up unexpectedly early, but #2 couldn’t possibly have been more content to stay in the oven, leading mythical wife down a path of new pregnancy experiences like debilitating insomnia and the general discomfort for having a small watermelon inside of her.  She’s not on track to be full-term, she is very much full-term at the very instant I’m writing this line right now.

We passed the milestone of #1’s early arrival, and have been doing nothing but getting ready for #2.  Mythical wife has gotten her hair done in advance.  Which made me realize that I could go and get my haircut in advance, something I couldn’t really do last year because of the surprise arrival plus the start of the pandemic.  The second nursery is almost entirely complete.  My job has been kept abreast and is fully prepared for me to be out for a few weeks as I’m going to finally cash in some of my vacation time that I’ve been sitting on for this specific reason.

All things that were not the case the first time around.  And for all those reasons that frankly nobody could have any control over, I’m still feeling guilt, irrational as it might be, I can’t always help it.  #2 is almost certain to be bigger and stronger upon her arrival, having almost an entire month to keep cooking.  The NICU, god forbid, should be avoided this time around as a result, and she will probably get lots of things that my first couldn’t get, like getting to sleep with us in the hospital room, taking to the breast, and coming home pretty immediately; all things that #1 did not experience, even if she won’t know it, we do.

Eight, full months of knowing this day was coming, and all the preparations and readiness, and I’m still feeling increasing anxiety and unpreparedness as we get closer and closer.  Like I said, I have all the confidence in the world that everything’s going to be fine, but the whole point of all these dad brogs is to chronicle the shit that goes on through my head, as a father of one, and soon to be a father of two.